Starting Over Yet Again

Our ultrasound appointment yesterday brought us the news we expected, but really hoped we wouldn’t hear.  Our little peanut had no heartbeat and hadn’t grown since the ultrasound last week.  So now we’re having to decide where to go from here.  Do I have another D&C?  Or wait for the natural miscarriage this time?  I’m going out of town the day after tomorrow to see my brother while he’s stationed semi-nearby (as opposed to the opposite side of the continent), so the D&C would have to be tomorrow or next week – right before Christmas.  But on the other hand, a “natural” miscarriage would involve continuous monitoring by the doctor, hearing how my levels are dropping, etc.  The constant reminder does not sound fun to me.

We also have to decide on what testing we want to have done, since we now qualify for “the full workup”.  Testing for clotting disorders, immune issues, chromosomal abnormalities, etc.  And do we want them to try to test the baby if I go in for a D&C?  I know it’s only like 5mm big, but it seems kind of awful to imagine it being poked and prodded.  And what would it really tell us?  My inclination is to think that maybe it’s my immune system attacking the fetus, because my brother got Type 1 Diabetes from his immune system attacking his pancreas.  But, the doctor thought that if that had been the case, we would have had normal ultrasounds and an unexpected miscarriage. I don’t know… Is it better to not know or find out nothing is wrong?  I found a statistic that said maybe half of recurrent miscarriage can be explained.  Is it worth the gamble?  Let alone the cost?

I texted my sister yesterday after we heard the news, since she and I have this shared tragedy in our lives.  She hadn’t told anyone, but she had miscarried a second time last week.  The doctor has told us that it is still pretty normal to have a couple miscarriages in a row, but that what is odd is that I am still young (27).  My sister is 23.  Really?  How can it be that in our family, between the two of us, we have had 4 miscarriages in the last 6 months.  That data seems awfully concentrated for recurrent miscarriage to be happening to only 1 in 100 people.   That’s not even considering the odds of having infertility issues (which we both have) in combination.  After this miscarriage, we have something like 75% chance of a successful next pregnancy (after the 15% chance or whatever of even conceiving). And the percentages just go down from there.  If we miscarry again, it’s down to 65%.  The odds feel so stacked against us.

Michelle seems to be taking this the worst.  I think she continued to hope, while I was accepting the worst over the last few weeks.  I feel so awful that I can’t give her a baby.  The doctor telling us that it is strange to experience this when I’m this age makes me feel like such a failure.  I should be able to do this!  This is what women were created to do.  Propagate the species and all.  I don’t know what we’re going to try next.  I can’t imagine putting ourselves in the position of another possible repeat.