Deja Vu

Our ultrasound was yesterday, and the news wasn’t promising. We were at six weeks four days, and our little nugget measured at six weeks one day. Exactly the same as last time. The doctor saw the heartbeat, but wasn’t able to hear it or measure it, and he said the baby was still “too small”. Only last time we did hear the heartbeat. The doctor said that the baby is still within the range of normal, although should be bigger, but last time with the same measurements he was telling us it was fifty-fifty. So what is it, doc?

We left there in tears, feeling so little hope that things will turn out alright. We go back on Sunday for another ultrasound. I’m terrified that the baby will have stopped growing in the meantime, just like before. Déjà vu. How could we have the exact same beginnings, the same data, and expect a different outcome?

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Updates

Yesterday I went in for my second beta, and it came back at 150.2, from 44.3 on Wednesday. So that is promising! Although, everything was great last time, too, up until the six week ultrasound, so it’s hard to think that this time is different just yet. We did find ourselves cautiously looking through baby clothes today at the store (we didn’t buy any), but we bought a police car wooden puzzle in honor of Michelle. 🙂 So we’re still hoping for the best, while preparing ourselves for the worst. Our ultrasound is on the 26th… Feels like a lifetime away.

Cautiously Optimistic

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We are scared. What’s to say that we won’t lose this baby too? I got the positive result 13 days past ovulation, and the blood test said my HCG was 44.3. I go back in on Friday for another test. I keep giving myself deadlines to be excited. Like “if the numbers double Friday” or “if the first ultrasound is good” or “if we pass the date of the first miscarriage” then I’ll trust that it is real. I want to be happy, but I’m so afraid.

I was so sure that it wasn’t going to happen this time that I didn’t take progesterone. I didn’t want to lose the three days between stopping the progesterone and starting my next cycle, so I didn’t take it. Figures. 🙂 I really hope that doesn’t affect the pregnancy. And our donor has been in the process of filling out the loads of paperwork we needed for IUI. Ironic, isn’t it?

I’ve been feeling really lightheaded for the past week, but that was my only symptom. I kept thinking I had had too much coffee (which I also didn’t stop because I was so sure I wasn’t getting pregnant this time)! It is so early still, and I’m going to be so anxious to get out of the first trimester, not that that’s a green light necessarily. And my sister just announced and lost her pregnancy a week ago. Now I really feel bad that I was so dramatic about it, and I’ll have to be sensitive to her.

Sorry for the string of consciousness post; there’s so much going through my head right now!

Family Ties

I’m feeling guilty. I spent last weekend in such a deep depression, feeling the unfairness of the world, and on Tuesday my sister told everyone that she had lost the baby (again on Facebook). I felt such a huge sense of relief for a moment, a feeling that things were back in their place, before I thought of how awful miscarrying was for me, and definitely not something I should be wishing on my family. Then the guilt set in.

I ended up texting my sister, telling her about my miscarriage (she hadn’t known before; we aren’t really close), and offering to talk if she needed or wanted to. I thought of how I felt like no one could understand, and how people don’t know that their comments can cut even when they don’t mean to, and I’m glad that I could offer her some understanding. And you know what? We have bonded over it a bit. She told me she loved me, and I think that was the first time she ever has. I’ll still be upset if she gets pregnant again before me, but at least I was able to be here for her through this.

As far as our try, we are waiting it out. We spoke with a lawyer last week and have started the paperwork for our donor agreement and we gave our donor the plethora of paperwork needed for our clinic to let us do IUI with him. It may still take some time to get everything in place, but we are taking steps in the right direction.