Kicked While I’m Down

Saturday morning, my mom texts “Have you heard about Jenny?” Immediately, my stomach dropped.  Jenny is my step-sister, a 23 year old, immature, irresponsible, self-centered party girl who just got married last summer and now parties with her husband.  Since we first started trying, I deemed “the worst that could happen” being Jenny getting pregnant before me.  I gauged things by, “well, it could be worse, Jenny could be pregnant.”  And now here we are; the worst has happened.

I realize it maybe sounds a bit melodramatic, but all the rage I have felt at undeserving people getting to have babies is manifested in my sister.  It feels like such a cruel world for my younger sister, whose posts on Facebook consist of hoards of hard alcohol and drunken escapades, to get to have a baby before me.  She wasn’t even trying.  And want to know how she broke the news?  A picture on Facebook of  her with “baby on board” written on her stomach.  She just found out she was pregnant.  Real considerate of your infertile sister who just lost a baby.  She didn’t even tell our family first.

The depression I’d been feeling before has multiplied exponentially.  I can’t bring myself to congratulate her when I don’t feel happy for her at all.  I can’t imagine being around her during the holidays.  I’m sure my dad is thrilled, though.  He was so excited when I was pregnant that he cried, and now Jenny gets to give that joy to him.  Now, even if I get pregnant in the next few months, it’ll be in her shadow.  Like some of the specialness and excitement is lost after the first.  I should be the one announcing my pregnancy to the world.  Why does life have to be like this?


4 thoughts on “Kicked While I’m Down

  1. I feel your pain. My “worst” is if my little brother and sister-in-law procreate before we do. If they do get preggo it’ll be accidental, they are not trying and it’ll drive me berserk. I hope that your family is at least sensitive to your feelings during this pregnancy.

  2. I am sorry to hear this….i know how tough it is…I am a counselor and I hear my clients tell me they arent preventing pregancy ….these are ppl without jobs or homes and have no way to take care of a child…it makes me so mad

  3. I’m so sorry that has happened to you. My younger sister was pregnant with her third ‘accident’ baby when we found out we were pregnant. It put a damper on our announcement, so I understand you feeling that way. No melodrama felt here.

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