Kicked While I’m Down

Saturday morning, my mom texts “Have you heard about Jenny?” Immediately, my stomach dropped.  Jenny is my step-sister, a 23 year old, immature, irresponsible, self-centered party girl who just got married last summer and now parties with her husband.  Since we first started trying, I deemed “the worst that could happen” being Jenny getting pregnant before me.  I gauged things by, “well, it could be worse, Jenny could be pregnant.”  And now here we are; the worst has happened.

I realize it maybe sounds a bit melodramatic, but all the rage I have felt at undeserving people getting to have babies is manifested in my sister.  It feels like such a cruel world for my younger sister, whose posts on Facebook consist of hoards of hard alcohol and drunken escapades, to get to have a baby before me.  She wasn’t even trying.  And want to know how she broke the news?  A picture on Facebook of  her with “baby on board” written on her stomach.  She just found out she was pregnant.  Real considerate of your infertile sister who just lost a baby.  She didn’t even tell our family first.

The depression I’d been feeling before has multiplied exponentially.  I can’t bring myself to congratulate her when I don’t feel happy for her at all.  I can’t imagine being around her during the holidays.  I’m sure my dad is thrilled, though.  He was so excited when I was pregnant that he cried, and now Jenny gets to give that joy to him.  Now, even if I get pregnant in the next few months, it’ll be in her shadow.  Like some of the specialness and excitement is lost after the first.  I should be the one announcing my pregnancy to the world.  Why does life have to be like this?

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4 thoughts on “Kicked While I’m Down

  1. I feel your pain. My “worst” is if my little brother and sister-in-law procreate before we do. If they do get preggo it’ll be accidental, they are not trying and it’ll drive me berserk. I hope that your family is at least sensitive to your feelings during this pregnancy.

  2. I am sorry to hear this….i know how tough it is…I am a counselor and I hear my clients tell me they arent preventing pregancy ….these are ppl without jobs or homes and have no way to take care of a child…it makes me so mad

    http://amandaraye210.blogspot.com/

  3. I’m so sorry that has happened to you. My younger sister was pregnant with her third ‘accident’ baby when we found out we were pregnant. It put a damper on our announcement, so I understand you feeling that way. No melodrama felt here.

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