Saturday morning, my mom texts “Have you heard about Jenny?” Immediately, my stomach dropped. Jenny is my step-sister, a 23 year old, immature, irresponsible, self-centered party girl who just got married last summer and now parties with her husband. Since we first started trying, I deemed “the worst that could happen” being Jenny getting pregnant before me. I gauged things by, “well, it could be worse, Jenny could be pregnant.” And now here we are; the worst has happened.
I realize it maybe sounds a bit melodramatic, but all the rage I have felt at undeserving people getting to have babies is manifested in my sister. It feels like such a cruel world for my younger sister, whose posts on Facebook consist of hoards of hard alcohol and drunken escapades, to get to have a baby before me. She wasn’t even trying. And want to know how she broke the news? A picture on Facebook of her with “baby on board” written on her stomach. She just found out she was pregnant. Real considerate of your infertile sister who just lost a baby. She didn’t even tell our family first.
The depression I’d been feeling before has multiplied exponentially. I can’t bring myself to congratulate her when I don’t feel happy for her at all. I can’t imagine being around her during the holidays. I’m sure my dad is thrilled, though. He was so excited when I was pregnant that he cried, and now Jenny gets to give that joy to him. Now, even if I get pregnant in the next few months, it’ll be in her shadow. Like some of the specialness and excitement is lost after the first. I should be the one announcing my pregnancy to the world. Why does life have to be like this?
Yesterday I had an appointment with the RE for my mid-cycle ultrasound. First, I’ll rant about that, then tell you how it went. Let me start with, I have a life. I may not have a job, but I have classes and meetings that can’t be missed. So when I make an appointment, I choose times specifically because they fit with my schedule, however, every appointment I have had with the RE’s office has been changed last minute. I got a call Monday afternoon saying that Oh, the nurse practitioner isn’t going to be in in the afternoon after all, and I needed to come in that morning. Not an option! There’s a reason that I chose the afternoon appointment. And why don’t you know when the doctors or the nurse practitioner are going to be there? It just feels like such a lack of respect for me and my time.
Secondly, my wife thought I should share with you my feelings regarding the nurse practitioner. She’s incompetent! Every time I go in for an ultrasound with her, she can’t find my left ovary. Really? And each time, she pulls the ultrasound thing out, saying she needs to re-apply the lubricant, and applies so much that it ends up everywhere. Needless to say, I’m frustrated with this office.
So, the appointment. I have one follicle this cycle. Which may be enough for normal people, but obviously not for me. I’ve taken statistics before, and I know enough to know that my experimental odds are not good. Like 1:15 (or 16?). And really, if you’re just looking at the odds in cycles with one egg, it’d be more like 0:14. I’m so frustrated, and bitter, and depressed. I know we’re planning to do more next cycle, but the thought of even one more month of not being pregnant puts me into a panic.
We’re definitely not thinking it’s going to happen this month. We’re going to start the process for using our known donor in IUI. So that means lawyers and counselors, and a plethora of doctors’ visits for our donor. Why does this have to be so hard?
I haven’t posted in awhile, mostly because there hasn’t been anything to update. Partly because the last two weeks, after NOT ovulating (thank you very much follicular cyst), I wasn’t analyzing every little detail of my body’s existence, or making myself crazy over “Am I pregnant?” “Am I not?” questions. It was really nice, for the first time in a year and a half, to not be thinking about those things.
Miss Maggie (our new pup), is doing amazingly well. She is the sweetest puppy I’ve had thus far! She is super attached to me, which is just what I needed, and cuddly (although still kind of a snappy alligator). Maybe the attached part is in part because she is deaf? She doesn’t like for me to leave her sight. So cute! Here are some pictures from her first beach trip.
I saw the counselor, in an hour-long, draining, sobbing session. I talked a lot about how angry I am with the world and my friends for (what feels like) abandoning me, but I left without a clear picture of how attending counseling might be able to help me deal with the loss of our baby. She was validating, but would I have to rehash things week after week? It seemed like what I’m feeling are some of the stages of grief, and people are always saying you can’t rush people through those. So I’m not going back. Oh well. That one session was so exhausting that I kept nearly falling asleep at the wheel on my way home.
In TTC news, we are on track for a try this month. The follicle with the cyst was back to a somewhat normal size, and they didn’t think it would hinder ovulation this month. The nurse briefly discussed upping my Clomid dose again, but since I’ve had three eggs on 100mg twice now, she said “We don’t want triplets!”. To which, I of course responded, “I really don’t care at this point!”. I go in for the mid-cycle ultrasound on the 23rd (CD12), and should be shooting up with the goods a day or two after. If we don’t get pregnant this time, I guess the next step is Letrizole. Clomid time after time has felt very stagnant. Like, “This isn’t working, but let’s just keep trying!”. IUI with frozen donor sperm may be on the menu as well. I’m just happy we are moving forward! What try are we on again?
Sunday we went back for my second mid-cycle ultrasound, and the news wasn’t great. The follicle they saw is indeed a cyst, although it does seem to be shrinking. It was 8.9mm this time, down from 12.7mm on Thursday. So no ovulation this month, and no try. And the hormones from the cyst could throw off my cycle for the next try. It’s so frustrating! I’d like to at least have the opportunity to become pregnant.
I contacted my school’s student counseling department today to hopefully get someone (albeit a counseling student) to talk to. It’s been almost three months since the miscarriage, and I still cry about it nearly every day. I don’t know what “normal” is like in these situations, but it doesn’t feel good to continue carrying this around. Maybe I haven’t fully dealt with it. I cried in class today over a video of a mom interacting with her baby. And half my cohort still doesn’t know what happened. They must think I’m a weirdo. =) Anyhow, I’m keeping busy with our new pup, Maggie, and maybe it’ll be nice to not have the wondering and the awful two week wait this cycle. (That’s me trying to convince myself to look at the positive… and really not succeeding at it.)
I wish there was more we could do… The RE hasn’t offered a next step, so I feel like we’re stuck. Clomid, trigger, at-home insemination. I wish they would work with us and our known donor so we could do an IUI. The Clomid was working, until this cycle, but I’ve been on it for awhile. At what point do we do something more?