So, I’m forcing myself to post and update all my loyal followers and friends.  While I have been busy, I think the real reason is that I have nothing good to share.  This month, we did everything exactly the same as the cycle I got pregnant, and nothing.  100mg of Clomid, baby aspirin, ultrasound, trigger shot, insemination at 24 and 36 hours after trigger, and the addition of 400mg of Progesterone, and nothing.

We just got back from a wonderful trip to Southern California – Disneyland, California Adventures, Universal Studios, Sea World, and finally a few days in Tahoe.  It was a good distraction while waiting and finding out the bad news, but it was a constant reminder of others’ fertility and plethora of offspring.  It is so hard to keep myself from judging everyone.  Why them?  On TV, people like the “Honey Boo Boo” family?  Unhealthy, overweight, uneducated, and popping out those unhealthy, overweight kids.  Universe, I do not understand your design!  And how is it that so many people (it feels like everyone, at the moment) just get pregnant and Ta Da! they have a baby.  Why do we have to deal with infertility AND miscarriage?  I think we’ve been saddled with more than our fair share here.

I’m feeling depressed, and not just blue, depressed.  I feel alienated from my friends; none of them can understand, and I don’t think many even try.  This whole experience has changed who I am, and I can’t relate to them in their un-complicated lives any more.  I only hate them for it.

Even Michelle doesn’t totally get it.  Certainly, she’s felt the disappointment and sadness, but it’s a little different from my perspective.  I’m the cause of both of our suffering.  The one thing I should be designed to do, and I can’t.  The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom, and I’m failing already.


5 thoughts on “Depressed

  1. *hugz* I can completely relate to where you’re at right now. It took me several months to even begin ttc again because my miscarriage screwed me up mentally. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to have kids anymore if there was a chance of going through a loss again. It’s very difficult when people don’t know how to talk to you or they act like nothing ever happened when it’s all that you can think about. I get it. If you ever want to email me, feel free.

  2. andylanmakesfive says:

    I feel your pain. I have written these words and felt these feelings. I’m sorry for how you are feeling and how unfair the world seems. You are in my thoughts along with all of us stuck in this ttc hell.

  3. Isa says:

    Don’t blame yourself– you are doing everything right. It just sucks that this is the way the universe is set up. *hugs* to you.

  4. MrsT says:

    Life is so unfair and makes no sense to me either. You have every right to feel depressed but don’t let yourself stay down. Take the time you need then get back up dust yourself off and get back on the road to making your dream of becoming a mommy come true. Please don’t give up. It will happen one day and this long crazy journey will all be worth it.

  5. Roxxroxx says:

    Hey, I have a lot of non-fertility-related crap going on and I am sorry I haven’t been around so much online- I’m sorry you feel so down; you have been through so much and it really isn’t fair. We are hoping things will look up for you soon- but don’t give up. Try to think of alternatives if you can; my doc told me clomid’s effectiveness decreases and that if you stop producing follicles you need at least a rest cycle before you go again. Or you swap to injectables, I believe. Fertility seems beyond our control and totally controls our lives- I know what you mean about friends not getting the pain – but try to channel you negative energy into research and some kind of action plan. I know it is costly but IVF is a whole lot more effective and reinstates some of that much-needed control. I’m sure you have thought about it, but for me, some kind of action /planning /question formulation helps to lift me out of a hole and regain control. Lots of hugs 🙂

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