So, I’m forcing myself to post and update all my loyal followers and friends. While I have been busy, I think the real reason is that I have nothing good to share. This month, we did everything exactly the same as the cycle I got pregnant, and nothing. 100mg of Clomid, baby aspirin, ultrasound, trigger shot, insemination at 24 and 36 hours after trigger, and the addition of 400mg of Progesterone, and nothing.
We just got back from a wonderful trip to Southern California – Disneyland, California Adventures, Universal Studios, Sea World, and finally a few days in Tahoe. It was a good distraction while waiting and finding out the bad news, but it was a constant reminder of others’ fertility and plethora of offspring. It is so hard to keep myself from judging everyone. Why them? On TV, people like the “Honey Boo Boo” family? Unhealthy, overweight, uneducated, and popping out those unhealthy, overweight kids. Universe, I do not understand your design! And how is it that so many people (it feels like everyone, at the moment) just get pregnant and Ta Da! they have a baby. Why do we have to deal with infertility AND miscarriage? I think we’ve been saddled with more than our fair share here.
I’m feeling depressed, and not just blue, depressed. I feel alienated from my friends; none of them can understand, and I don’t think many even try. This whole experience has changed who I am, and I can’t relate to them in their un-complicated lives any more. I only hate them for it.
Even Michelle doesn’t totally get it. Certainly, she’s felt the disappointment and sadness, but it’s a little different from my perspective. I’m the cause of both of our suffering. The one thing I should be designed to do, and I can’t. The only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom, and I’m failing already.