Bitter

This morning was my mid-cycle ultrasound, the first with my OB instead of the RE. The ultrasound tech also happened to be the mother of a student. Awkward… Because it was a tech instead of a doctor or nurse practitioner, she couldn’t tell us anything during the procedure. So we ended up waiting over an hour afterwards for the doctor to give us the results.

He said, “Everything looks good!” Hehe, clearly not used to a patient well-versed in the reproductive world. We were like, umm, can we have the numbers?

I have two dominant follicles this cycle, and a third possible contender – the same as last time. All on my right side! The largest was 18.7mm, then 16.1mm, and 14.3mm for the smaller two. A little smaller than last cycle, but those li’l guys have been through a lot. My lining measured at 8.6mm, also smaller than last time, but I guess to be expected after a D and C, and still a good number. Maybe this way I’ll have less chance of a subchorionic hemorrhage.

The nurse had called in the Ovidrel trigger shot prescription last Thursday, but when she called to check today, the pharmacy had never ordered it. So tomorrow I’ll be driving an hour and a half to pick it up, and hopefully they’ll have it at that pharmacy in the morning by the time I’d like to take the shot.

The waiting room this morning was killer. That’s definitely one drawback of seeing my OB. The majority of his patients are pregnant! One was having her scheduled c-section (ugh) and complaining loudly about how sick of being pregnant she was. Who knows if I’ll be feeling that way after nine months, but for now, I hate hearing it. I’m so bitter! I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that feeling towards people who are so ungrateful for what they have.

A friend of mine was talking the other day about her plan for getting pregnant, and asked if that was offensive to us. It’s not that it’s offensive, it’s just that they don’t seem to realize that it could happen to them. Her response? “I’m still young.” Umm, I’m younger than you! I hope I’m not always this bitter, but I can’t help imagining when I do have a baby finally, and her with one not much younger and after no struggle at all, and I can’t imagine myself being okay with that. Let’s hope that once I’m pregnant with a healthy baby that I will be able to let go of all of this.

Great Expectations

So I’ve finished my round of Clomid, and I spoke to my OB’s office again about getting an Ovidrel trigger shot from them.  The nurse said she would need to check with the RE about what it was, dosage, etc (doesn’t really inspire confidence), but after she did that, and I explained what day I would take it, that it was a pre-filled syringe, etc. we have a prescription!  I will go into the OB’s office for a mid-cycle ultrasound on Monday.  I’m not sure if the ultrasound tech is familiar with this type of ultrasound, or if she will know what to look for, but we decided we know enough to help her out.  I feel much better knowing that we’ll have the measurements of my follicles and be able to plan the trigger accordingly.

I know that my expectations this cycle are higher than any other because we are doing everything that we did the last time, and the last time it worked.  I’m not sure how I’ll react if it doesn’t this time.  We’ll be on vacation when we find out, too, and I’m not sure if that’s a positive (distraction), or a negative (potentially ruin the trip?).  It’ll be interesting to see how I feel even if I do get pregnant.  I would of course be ecstatic, but perhaps with tempered enthusiasm.  Who knows if we might have a repeat of last time?

I guess we’ll deal with that when/if the time comes.  For now, I’m just super excited to be able to try again so soon.

RE vs. OB

After a morning of crying my way through schoolwork in our graduate lab because of people who don’t know any better complaining about their past pregnancies, and those without kids meticulously planning how it will happen, and everyone seemingly ungrateful from my perspective, I started bleeding.  I thought, this is it!  I could potentially be pregnant again in a couple weeks!

It had only been two weeks since I stopped bleeding/spotting after the d and c, so I wasn’t sure it would count as my first period, or if it was just continued bleeding from the d and c.  And if that was the case, it would mean that there was tissue left behind, and a repeat d and c would be next.  So I called the RE first thing Friday morning.  The nurse said it could very well be a period (exactly 28 days after the d and c – I am crazy regular!), and asked if I had spoken to the doctor about the plan.  Ummm, no, he couldn’t even schedule the d and c for me like he said he would, or send my OB/GYN my records, let alone see how I was or talk about what to do next.

She said they usually make people wait one complete cycle until doing another medicated try, meaning waiting until after my next period in September.  WHAT?!  My OB had said that we could try again as soon as I got my first period!  So of course, I want to go with what he said, even though I know the RE is the expert.  The nurse said she would check with the RE and call me later.  Later I get a message from them that says, “Call us in September after your next period.”

My OB said the reason they often say to wait a few months is a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage in the cycle following a miscarriage, but that the data is biased because they’re testing a population that is obviously trying to get pregnant, and they’re looking for miscarriages so catching all the early ones that we may miss.  That makes sense to me, but I know I’ll believe anything that makes it so that I can try right away.  It already feels like it’s been a lifetime waiting.  All I want is to be pregnant again!  I don’t think I can wait another four weeks…

So if we try this month (and I can’t imagine not), it’ll be with no trigger shot or ultrasound to help us pinpoint the timing.  And I think that was the key this last time.  My OB prescribed Clomid for me already, and said he would prescribe the trigger shot, but I’m not sure I would feel comfortable using it without an ultrasound showing that the eggs are ready.  What to do!?  In my body there’s no question, but I’m not sure in my head.