The Aftermath

The D and C was last Thursday, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it until now.

When we had our last ultrasound, the RE had told us that he would take care of scheduling the D and C with my OB/GYN, and call to let us know when it would be.  Very sweet of him to offer, except for the lack of follow through.  So after waiting two days to hear from him, I called the OB myself.  They hadn’t heard anything about it.  The nurse was very sweet, and said she was sorry, and I lost it.  It was kind of the first time I had really cried since finding out.  I guess it felt really real at that moment.  They were able to squeeze me in for the following day, however, and for that I am super grateful.

I was told to go in at 9:15 to check into the hospital, on strict orders to have nothing to eat or drink for 12 hours before.  I didn’t even know what all a D and C involved, so I was freaking out that those orders meant they must be putting me under.  I’ve never had anesthesia before, ever, and I had never been in the hospital except for the HSG.

The morning of the surgery, though, my doctor’s office called because they still hadn’t gotten any records from the RE.  I needed to go in early to explain the situation to the doctor  before he would feel comfortable doing the procedure.  I appreciate their caution, but talk about painful…

I love my OB.  He said he had heard that I was pregnant, and was so happy for us, and so sorry to hear about the miscarriage.  He tried to comfort me, and walked us through everything that had happened, and said that from what we told him he felt comfortable going ahead with the procedure.  He didn’t think he was going to be able to fit me in until that afternoon, but the surgery folks called upstairs and let us know that we could go down and have it done right then.

We had to rush downstairs, got rushed through check-in (and sent back to surgery with the wrong papers), and stripped and in a bed before I knew it.  They had one nurse inserting the IV (OUCH!!), another asking me a bunch of questions, and the anesthesiologist asking me questions all at the same time.  And I had a migraine to boot.  The nurses were all very kind, and apologetic, but kept asking me how far along I had been.  When they wheeled me back, I remember the anesthesiologist saying that the next time I saw him, I’d be yelling for an epidural.  I hope he’s right.

The surgery was over before I knew I was asleep.  I didn’t have any pain, except emotionally, and I appreciated the nurse telling me to take care of myself emotionally because of the loss we’d experienced (and giving me Morphine for my migraine).  Saturday, we were hosting our friend’s bridal shower/bachelorette party (the timing could not have been worse, but the invitations had gone out and they didn’t have RSVPs).  We had our best friend tell the masses (who hadn’t even known we were pregnant) so that at least they wouldn’t say or ask something stupid when they were over.

I think that day was the hardest.  Seeing how happy our friend was, and hearing her sister complain about her THREE kids.  It’s not fair.  I lost it a couple of times… we ended up joining the group for wine tasting to appease the bride, and the worst was the first sip of wine.  I so badly want to not be able to drink.  To have that amazing reason that I can’t.  It seems ridiculous that that was when I broke-down, but it was just another moment that it became so real.  I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

At school, I haven’t told anyone, because how do you bring it up?  “So, by the way…”  Not so much.  I had to tell professors and my cohort that I was having surgery, but no one asked why.  I wanted them to.  Mostly so that people would be understanding, and take care in their words.  I have heard way too many conversations about kids, and peoples’ plans for kids (they’ll be having this many at this time, etc, etc.), and about one girl’s pregnancy.

I’m at a loss.  We thought that finally, our dreams were coming true.  And now we’re back at square one, once again, not knowing when, if ever, it might be.  We want to try again as soon as we can.  I don’t know if it’s even possible, but I think we are even more positive that we are ready.  And just waiting.