Tears

This week has been the worst.

Monday we went in for our second ultrasound, to check back in and see if Poppy had caught up growth-wise.

There was no heartbeat.

The subchorionic bleed had almost doubled in size – 44mm x 38mm x 11mm.

The doctor said the embryo measured at 6 weeks 6 days, so that was when it had stopped growing. Last Thursday. The same day I decided I was going to start thinking positive, and being confident, and started telling people we were pregnant.

Last Thursday. When I had no idea that my baby, my very first pregnancy after so much heartache, was leaving us.

Last Thursday. When I had no idea that a week later I would be having a D and C – tomorrow.

When we were at the doctor’s office, I couldn’t even process. Michelle was a wreck, and I was just in shock. He tried to tell us that it was a good sign that we had gotten pregnant at all, and that we could try the same regimen in September. But, I’m sorry, I don’t buy that it’s a “good sign”, when it took over a year to get pregnant at all, and it didn’t work out.

He also gave me the options: wait for my body to realize the baby had stopped growing and to naturally expel it, take a drug to make it happen, or the D and C. When he started talking about prescribing Vicodin with the other drug, I immediately scratched that one off of the list. And natural could take three to four weeks! A lifetime of knowing what was inside of me and waiting at every turn for the blood. So I’ve opted for the D and C.

It’s been a rough week. It’ll hit me at the most random moments, like realizing I could have a cup of coffee, or drink at our friend’s bachelorette party this weekend.

I feel heartbroken; I thought we were there, that this was it. I’m also incredibly angry. Like, what the hell universe for dealing out hands of infertility and miscarriage both. And I looked up the odds today. One study had the odds of miscarriage after 6 weeks and with a heartbeat at less than 5 percent. Five percent!

It’s so incredibly cruel and unfair.

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9 thoughts on “Tears

  1. Alyssa says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  2. It is so unfair and I’m so sorry that you’re going through it. I also hated when the doctor said “at least this means you can get pregnant”. That is not a relief when you really want a full term pregnancy and baby! My love and thoughts are with you!

  3. samkersley says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, i also suffered a miscarriage last week i was 10 weeks, the miscarriage was confirmed when i went for our first scan (early scan due to bleeding), I was told quite bluntly that my womb was completely empty! i had suffered a complete miscarriage. It’s a cruel world. i wish you all the luck with the future, try and remain positive i know it is hard. x

  4. egarza03 says:

    I’m so sorry. Having a miscarriage is devastating. You’re in my thoughts.

  5. I’m so sorry that I found your blog at the time I did. This is so heartbreaking to hear. Please know my thoughts are with you and your partner. Again, so sorry!

  6. Isa says:

    Oh, no. I’m so, so sorry to read this.

  7. Miela says:

    Hi, I am really so sorry for your loss. When you look at the stats it just drives you crazy. I have had 3 miscarriages- the odds of that happening is less than 1%, but it happened. Be good to yourself and don’t give up on your dream. ((Hugs))

  8. MrsT says:

    I can’t begin to understand how devastated you two must be. Cruel and unfair describe the situation perfectly. My heart just breaks for you two. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. Roxxroxx says:

    Hey, I only just saw this. I’m so sorry for your loss after waiting so long. Incredibly cruel and unfair. Loads of love – thinking of you.

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