I’m still here!

I’ve been wanting to write, but I feel like there isn’t much to update on.

We haven’t officially decided whether or not we’ll keep trying while I’m in grad school, but it’s looking like that’ll be the case. It could take us a whole year more just to get pregnant! Plus I found out about my acceptance the DAY OF insemination. So we’re in limbo-land anyway.  Our donor is on board for awhile longer, and who knows if he’d be in a position to help a year from now. I think the plan is to contact an RE if we aren’t pregnant this time. Hopefully he’d be able to get us in right away! I’m feeling nothing, so I’m not too hopeful. Let you all know in 2 days!

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Rock and a hard place

So, we’ve hit a huge bump in the road.

Originally, our grand plan was that I was going to attend graduate school online and be able to stay home with a baby for those 2 years. Granted, there would be a 5-week stint on campus, but we figured baby and my mom could come with me, and we would be good to go.

Since we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, though, I also applied to a graduate school about an hour from where we live – a much more prestigious and less-expensive program with connections in our area. And I got in.

I know it doesn’t make sense to continue trying to get pregnant when it would mean having a baby in the middle of my graduate school program. I hate the idea of daycare or even grandma-care from baby’s Day 1. Later, sure, but not in the very beginning. Plus the financial aspect. With the online program I would have been able to continue working until baby was born, but for the on-campus program I won’t be able to work at all. And that puts the financial burden completely on Michelle.

So I am in the impossible position of going to a grad school that will give me a much better education and better job prospects later on, or continuing to try to get pregnant. I want to get the best education possible, but Michelle is heart-broken at the thought of putting off getting pregnant for even another year. She is almost 40, and wants it to happen as soon as possible. I feel awful for even thinking about making her wait. It will be hard for me to wait too, but I’m feeling guilty for it being all on me. Am I being completely selfish if I go to the better program?

My dyeing day

Friday I went in for an HSG.  Good news is they found nothing wrong.  Bad news is they found nothing wrong, so we are still in no-man’s-land (literally too!), not knowing what the solution might be for us.

We went into the hospital, and after the general awkwardness during registration that often occurs regarding my marital status (married!), husband’s name (“Wife actually, and her name is Michelle.”), etc., we headed back to radiology.  In the room (with me on the very uncomfortable table, in my birthday suit, spread-eagle) were: Michelle, my OB-GYN, the nurse, the nurse’s student, and the Radiologist.  Living in a small town where my wife grew up, I should be used to these situations, but this one caught me a little off-guard.  When the radiologist came in and introduced himself (you might recall I am on the table, birthday suit, spread eagle) and lo and behold, he is an old friend of Michelle’s!  “Nice to meet you, can’t wait to have you see my uterus!”  =)

The Table

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And here is a lovely picture of my uterus and fallopian tubes!

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I was happy that not too much pain was involved, just some cramping when my doctor inflated the balloon in my uterus.  There were a few tense moments, as my right tube filled with the dye right away, and the left didn’t.  Finally, though, the left cleared as well, and we were good to go!  My doctor said sometimes this procedure, with the “cleaning out” that occurs, can actually increase your chances in the next cycle!  (We’re going to go with that theory.)  The dye coming back afterward was unpleasant, but I wonder what happens to the dye that leaks out of your fallopian tubes into your abdomen?  And, if there is an opening in the tubes, how do the eggs not fall out?  Hmmm…

The rest of our Friday was filled with kiddos.  We have learned that things like carving pumpkins and dyeing eggs are more fun with kids, and not having any (yet!), we have our friends and their munchkins over to celebrate with us.  We dyed eggs and staged an egg hunt, our house was chaotic, and it was perfect.  With kids playing and laughing and running laps through our house, I couldn’t stop smiling at them.  It is what our house was meant for.

The results are in

The results are in.  Yet another Big Fat Negative.  I’ve decided I don’t mind the early pregnancy testing as much as I thought I did, though.  I pee on the stick, feel sure it will say I’m not pregnant, see that I was right, and deal with my crazy grief emotions before I ever reach my period.  So today when good ole’ aunt flo arrived, it was just another, “Yep, not pregnant” and I could move on to the planning stages for the next cycle.  I can’t believe how quickly you go from thinking you could be pregnant, to taking Clomid for trying again.  Three days.  It’s such a quick turn-around! At least I started my period early enough that I can keep my scheduled HSG.  If I had been late even a day, I would have had to reschedule for who knows when.  Of course, it would have been nicer to get to cancel it altogether, but oh well.

On the brighter side of life, I had a wonderful visit with my nana (grandma) last week.  A little background is in order, so that you can fully appreciate the situation: My nana is 85, incredibly conservative, incredibly Republican, and incredibly stuck in her ways.  So, the last few years I have been fully in the closet with her.  Not to say that I ever lied to her, I simply let her continue to believe that Michelle was my roommate.  I was afraid she would disown me, and I would lose her in my life.  This wasn’t a totally unfounded belief, as she (and my papa when he was alive) temporarily disowned my brother for not living up to their standards, and disowned my aunt for a time for dating a black man (I know, right???).  However, knowing that we wanted to start a family, we started pushing the envelope a little bit.  I refuse to be in the closet with anyone when we have a kid, because I won’t have our child think we are ashamed for who we are.  So, after telling Nana that Michelle and I bought a house together, I sent her a Christmas card with our pictures and “The F______ Family” printed on it (which isn’t officially my last name yet) and our “Meg and Michelle” address label on the envelope.

She figured it out, finally.  And you know what?  She was amazing about it.  She asked my aunt and my mom how they had handled it, and they both said, “You know, when you love someone, you love them no matter what” and my nana adopted this mantra too.  When I was there, she asked about Michelle, and simple things like who does the cooking, she complimented our house, and was just generally wonderful.  I have never felt more loved.

She ended up giving me her wedding china while I was there, and when I left, talking about when I would use it, she said “Maybe you and Michelle can celebrate each other.”

I finally feel like our future baby will be born into a huge, loving, complete family.